She laughed and said I was detached. She spoke in general of my nature as a person. I disagreed. She wasn’t the only one that said that and felt like they had a good read of who I am. I realized they didn’t know me very well. Or at least not as well as they thought. What they were searching for was not whether I felt emotions or not, but whether I expressed them in the manner they did, or in the manner they approved of. That’s how they understood emotions to be expressed. I didn’t express mine that way.
For most of my life I’d learned to suppress my emotions. When I expressed them, I was told I was being too sensitive or defensive. I was told to be quiet and stop crying. I learned to be quiet and stop crying. I learned not to express emotion that may offend others. I should only express the emotions that were nice or pleasant.
Then came the turning point in my life where I couldn’t hold back anymore and tears flowed out of me like a dam that suddenly gave way to the tremendous weight and pressure. It was like balm for the war that raged inside. The backlog of unexpressed emotions that were hidden behind a smile or other masks so others wouldn’t be “punished” with them instead punished me.
I learned to allow my emotions to come to the surface. I learned to acknowledge my emotions. I learned to express my emotions. It’s been a journey to find the balance for my emotions, and some days I still struggle. Yet I’ve learned to honor the emotions that find a home in my body and ride the wave instead of fighting against it or trying to silence them. I’ve learned to give my emotions a space to live outside of my body. I’ve learned to reconcile with who I am along this journey and who I have yet to become. The constant evolution within.
While I may not express every emotion outwardly, I feel all of them so very deeply. I carry the scars and war wounds but I often don’t show them. In moments of vulnerability I allowed those wounds and scars to show, often wondering if the next thing that would follow would be rejection or abandonment. And then those emotions rise…and I acknowledge them…and I let them pass in the time and space it needs.
If we look to others to express their truth and their emotions only in the way we feel is right and correct, we’ll miss the beauty in the kaleidoscope of emotions. My kaleidoscope is ever-changing and still growing. My emotions runs to my core. The way I express those deep emotions have a wide range and often depend on how safe I feel to express. This is true for most of us. We’re challenged in showing the face behind our masks if we’re in spaces we don’t feel safe. So we feel it’s safer for us to keep the mask on and protect ourselves. What if…What if you decided it wasn’t your job to protect your heart, but instead to show up as your most authentic self and let the chips fall where they may? I wonder what the world would look like if we all decided to show up this way.
