The silent treatment is a very common method resorted to by people when they have been hurt or offended and either can’t or won’t articulate that offense to the offender for conflict resolution to happen. The silent treatment has been done from a large scale ie. if someone leaves a religious system, they are shunned by that community and socially outcasted, or on a smaller scale in a relationship ie. she’s upset he joked about her gaining weight, and gives him the silent treatment. Like everything else, there are levels to it. It could simply be extended silence, silence with passive aggressiveness, or silence with straight up aggression ie. slamming doors and cabinets. The silent treatment doesn’t only hurt the one on the receiving end of it, but it also hurts the one dishing it out. So let’s take a look at the science behind why the silent treatment is actually abusive.
Ostracism is the technical name for the silent treatment. Partial ostracism is also done when the offended party responds with one word replies, purposefully not engaging in full conversation as a means to continue punishing the “offender”, but being able to have the righteous indignation of saying it wasn’t a complete silent treatment.
“Because we humans require social contact for our mental health, the ramifications of social isolation can be severe,” Joel Cooper, a psychology professor at Princeton, says “In the short term, the silent treatment causes stress. In the long term, the stress can be considered abuse. People use the silent treatment because they can get away with it without looking abusive to others,” Williams explained, “and because it’s highly effective in making the targeted individual feel bad.”
There is no one personality type that does the silent treatment more than the other. For passive personality types, they use it to avoid conflict. They won’t have to confront and navigate the offense, so this is one way to avoid that and still punish the other person. For more bold personality types, they use it as a means of control and punishment. In effect, they’ve removed their presence from the person, so it deprives the “offender” of access to them, even if it’s to rectify things.
When we decide to control and punish someone who offended or hurt us by giving them the silent treatment, we’re actually teaching them how to live without us. We’re training them to be used to this behavior, and at some point, it won’t effect them the same anymore. If the intent is to have a healthy relationship, this is one of the most damaging things that can be done. Healthy relationships consist of healthy conflict resolution. Offense will happen within any human relationship, but focusing on the knowledge that your partner was not trying to intentionally hurt or offend you is a key component to keep in mind. This helps give you the understanding that it wasn’t an intentional malice-driven attack, but usually a misunderstanding, insensitivity, or other mistake.
One study found that social rejection provoked a response in its victims similar to that of victims of physical abuse; the anterior cingulate cortex area of the brain—the area thought to interpret emotion and pain—was active in both instances. “Exclusion and rejection literally hurt,” John Bargh, a psychology professor at Yale explained.
It’s pretty clear the way people are affected when they’re on the receiving end of the silent treatment, but what’s often overlooked is how the one dishing it out is affected as well. The offender has to keep convincing themselves why they’re “justified” in dishing out the silent treatment by reminding themselves of all of the reasons they’re offended. They stay in a wounded state this way and end up emotionally stunted if they don’t learn to communicate. This behavior is also addictive, as it can be the method that someone easily goes back to whenever offended, and can’t pull themselves away from, nor can they see the damage it’s causing. It becomes something they feel compelled to do.
“One of the worst feelings in an intimate relationship is to feel ignored,” she said. “It often feels better to engage in a conflict than to feel shut out completely.” Says Margaret Clark, a Psychology Professor at Yale. The silent treatment ultimately speaks volumes about the person inflicting it than it does about the one who did the offending. It’s perfectly okay for an offense to take some time to get over, and it’s perfectly ok to take a break from a conflict and come back to it when cooler heads can discuss, but to socially ostracize someone you say you love is actually abusive behavior. Staying in a relationship where this is done often as a method of punishment of control is not a good idea and will cause more damage in the long term. Life is short, having a healthy relationship is important.
I’d love to hear about any experiences you can share about having a healthy relationship. Feel free to comment below and share.
