We all know the saying it takes a village to raise children, and while that used to be exactly how it was, times have changed quite tremendously. Parents are on hyper-alert because there are predators preying on their children and feel resistant to the interference of the community. On the other hand, the community isn’t always what’s best for our children. Many can remember growing up there were other parents on the block, or maybe grandmothers who used to watch out for the children, and when you were getting into mischief, they had the authority to correct you. Those times don’t exist anymore and in a real way, many of those same communities don’t exist anymore either. The majority of folks mind their business now, no matter what they may see or suspect is happening.
What’s happening now is so many parents are feeling the strain from stretched finances, trying to balance their relationship…or not, trying to meet all the needs of their children, and trying to balance work and home life with no outlet or support system. This is overwhelming for any parent to have to navigate through. I’m definitely one of those parents that can sometimes feel overwhelmed by the constant juggling of all the balls in the air. Being a single parent makes it much more difficult, especially when the other parent doesn’t play an active role in decision-making or things of that nature. There’s no one to bounce the thoughts or questions parenting brings off of. The decisions land on me and it’s excruciating to make some of the decisions with the looming question of how it will affect the kids down the line.
A social worker from a program one of my sons is a part of once told me I need a support group and a lot of wine. I laughed. I’m sure she wasn’t encouraging me to become an alcoholic, but I definitely got the gist of what she was saying. She was telling me I needed support from community. She couldn’t see how I could continue to do all of this alone without burning out. Truth be told, if I had another choice, it wouldn’t be all alone, but I can only make the best choices I can with each situation.
Parenting can feel like a lonely road, especially depending on the details of your situation. There’s a saying in my community, “many hands make light work”. When I first heard it, it resonated with me because it made so much sense. The burdens of work, life, and everything else feel so unduly heavy when we’re left to carry them by ourselves, but when we have community that can stand with us, the weight becomes lighter. We all need (yes, we ALL NEED) a healthy community of people who can walk with us and we can with them. Life gets tough, but when you have a support system with people you can trust to be yourself with, suddenly things arent so lonely and difficult.
My community has shown up for me more than I’d ever imagined sometimes. They have seen me cry ugly tears, seen me angry, encouraged me when I felt hopeless, challenged me when I needed it, walked with me through struggles I was having, and even helped with giving suggestions for my children. My community has loved on me and given me strength when I didn’t feel like I had it in me. All of that has helped me become a better woman and a better mother. My children have been able to benefit from a mother who is stronger, more confident, less stressed out, and feeling loved and supported. This in turn helps them and shows them in real time how important it is to be supported by community.
Some time last year my then 15 year old walked in the house almost 10pm on a school night. Last I’d spoken to them, they let me know they were on the way home…hours before that. I hadn’t been able to reach them or their friends since. Of course, we live in New York City, which isn’t the safest place, so when hours pass and I can’t get through to my child, I’m a bundle of nerves. This child that Great Spirit saw fit to bless me with (I have to remind myself of that sometimes) waltzed in the house and informed me they’d been in the Bronx, which was a good 2 hours away from where we lived. Not only was it so far, but they weren’t allowed to be in any other other borough outside of ours other than Manhattan. I happened to be on the phone with a very dear friend of mine and she could hear how angry I was. She reminded me not to parent from a space of ego, that’ll damage my relationship with my kid. Instead, check the ego and then parent from a healthier space.
Turns out, something major did happen that day and my kid truly did need my help to understand the situation. It was an adult situation they shouldn’t have been in, but there were no responsible adults in the vicinity and my kid felt the need to act and help their friend. Had I corrected my kid from the space I was in when they walked in, they would’ve shut down and not shared with me. Does this mean they got away without being punished? Not at all. They weren’t punished as harshly as they would’ve been though. They were punished for choosing not to communicate with me. The phone wasn’t dead, they just chose not to use it. Communication is something I work on with this particular child, and they’re really getting it now. I’m grateful I’ve had my village to help me when I wanted to go off on these teens of mine, or when I was doubting myself as a mother, or any of the other many things.
I have learned through my village just how loving and amazing people can be. I’ve also learned that there are still wounds I’m healing and they can impact the choices I make if I allow them to. I’m still learning to be able to receive from others what I would give freely. I don’t feel lonely and overwhelmed all the time because I know there are those from my village who allow me to fully be me and won’t judge the human feelings. They won’t label me a bad mother if I say I’m feeling overwhelmed today and like I’m failing as a mother. As one of my friends so gracefully put it, “Those kids have it good! They eat seaweed for snacks and have a mother who not only tells them but shows them day in and day out that they are loved. Even with all the mushy kisses and hugs. The kids don’t know a harsh life because you’re not harsh to them, and they can count their blessings for that.” And just like that, I’m reminded that there is something I’m doing right.
Adults need villages just as much as children do. I feel for those who have no support system and no village behind them. I know how important it’s been for me. Something I learned many years ago after a near-death experience was to let people know while they’re here that they’re loved and supported and appreciated. It doesn’t do any good to say it when people are gone, so I want them to know while they’re here to hear it, that they are loved and appreciated. So my friend, if you’re reading this and don’t have a village to support you, consider me part of your village. You are valuable. You are needed. You are appreciated. You are honored just for being you. And you are loved.
