Difficult co-parenting relationships refer to two parents who have very different parenting styles or just can’t seem to get on the same page when it comes to the children. The parents often don’t agree on discipline, parenting philosophies, or how to handle their children’s behavior. Some parents never agree on how to handle the kids, while others have mutually adopted and adapted parenting styles. In many cases, these disagreements can be resolved through open dialogue between the parents, rather than through court-ordered mediation.
It’s not easy navigating difficult co-parenting relationships in the wake of a breakup or divorce. These are often laced with negative feelings about the other. Let’s not forget to add the complexity of one parent living in a different city or state. The non-custodial parent often has to travel back and forth for visitation. This can quickly become costly, time-consuming, and stressful. That parent can help ease some of the burdens on themselves by planning ahead and communicating with the custodial parent. While this sounds easy, let’s be real, it’s usually not this easy.
I have two co-parenting relationships and they’re like night and day. They also speak to the level of maturity in the parent as well. With one, the co-parenting relationship is very amicable. We focus on our child and what’s best for him. He’s able to see his son pretty much whenever he wants and contributes to our son’s care. While our relationship didn’t work, he’s made sure to be a very active part of our son’s life. The other is completely the opposite of that. His relationship with our children reflects the work he puts in to make them a priority in his life. For both men, I don’t hold on to the things that happened within the relationship, but I do watch how they show up for the kids. Even with all that, I very rarely have any arguments when it comes to co-parenting. I have used the Grey Rock method, which has been very helpful.
Here are 7 things that have helped me navigate a difficult co-parenting relationship:
1. Unhealthy communication: There will be times when boundaries will be tested and emotions rise. Think smart, not emotional. With every communication, ask yourself, can this be used against me? Does it sound stable? These are questions that will come up if this goes to court, or is already in court. Always keep your responses focused on what’s best for the children. There have been so many times where words said in heated moments are used against a parent in court. This includes any threats made. Temper your words. Always respond in a professional manner that addresses what’s best for the children. Your job is not to cater to the other parent’s emotions, but to tend to your own in a healthy way, and to the child’s emotions.
2. Family estrangement: Family estrangement can follow divorce or separation, and it can present itself as anything from no contact, to constant fights, to threats. If you suspect that your former partner may be trying to alienate you from your children, it’s important to take it seriously and seek help. The children are the ones who suffer the most when it comes to situations like this. This can also have wounds that have a lasting impact on the child/ren well into adulthood.
3. Children’s safety: When two parents are no longer together, the circumstances and dynamics can be both complicated and stressful. Children, of course, are caught in the middle, and their needs and emotions can be affected greatly. One child may feel that the divorce is all their fault, and another may act out in anger, defiance, or fear. These reactions tend to be universal and can occur in any family. However, it is important for parents to stay focused on what they need to do to ensure their safety. In some instances, it may mean protecting your child from the other parent. Since I’m not a lawyer, I can’t legally advise you on what to do, but what I can tell you is to make sure you keep screenshots, text messages, recordings, and other things that can show the state of mind of the parent exposing your child to danger. Allow the police, judge, child services, and whoever is involved inform you of the process. Protect your children. Side note: Don’t ever use this as a weapon because you’re upset with the other parent. If you’re genuinely concerned about your child, do what you have to.
4. Parental alienation: Parental alienation is the act of one parent intentionally or otherwise, undermining the love, affection, and parental relationships of the other parent or the other parent’s child. Parental alienation is not limited to the parent who alienates the child. Parental alienation can occur when one parent alienates the other parent and sometimes the other parent’s child. (A parent can also be alienated from his or her own child.) This can cause children to have emotional problems, such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. As long as the other parent is not a danger to the child physically, mentally or emotionally, the parent should never be alienated from the child, as it does more harm to your child in the long run.
5. Denial: Divorce or separation doesn’t ruin children, but it surely can take a toll on them. Children who experience divorce or separation can exhibit many symptoms. Some kids will act out in school or with peers. Some kids will show signs of depression. Others will display anxiety or fear. All of these can be signs of a divorce or separation denial effect. In time, and with the proper support, most of these symptoms will fade away. An important aspect of the child’s healing is that both parents be on the same page as far as the state of the relationship. If one parent is in denial and insists on getting the other back when it’s not what the other parent wants, this can be confusing for the child. It leaves the child feeling torn. Both parents need to be clear on what the relationship status is so they can support the child properly. If the other parent is causing confusion by insisting, then it may be a good idea to have a sit down with your child and let them know your desires are not to go back into that relationship, but simply to have a healthy co-parenting relationship. Having a great therapist to support this with your child is also a great benefit.
6. Parent’s emotional health: Coparenting with mental illness is a struggle. For both parties, the illness is debilitating. For the affected parent, it can potentially affect every aspect of their lives, including their ability to parent. For the co-parent, it can be a frustrating process. The illness can fluctuate, and the co-parent’s actions may not align with how they feel about the child. As a parent, our job is to protect our children, and sometimes that means protection from the other parent if there is a reason for danger. In this case, document everything, talk to the courts, and see what options are available for your children as it pertains to the parent with the emotional or mental illness. Every situation is different, but ensuring the safety and security of your children is a top priority.
7. Financial issues: Child support can have a significant impact on co-parenting. Child support is money that is paid to the custodial parent by the non-custodial parent. The amount is based on each parent’s income and on the needs of the child. When going the legal route, a judge determines the amount of child support by the state the child lives in. Each state has a specific percentage of gross income per child. This also factors in the income of the custodial parent as well. Child support is exactly that, to help support the child. Now, not every situation needs to go before a judge. There are many people who make a verbal agreement for a set dollar amount on a set schedule and honor that. If you find that you’re dealing with a parent who outright refuses to financially contribute, then you may need to go the way of the courts. While it can be a hassle, what it comes down to is being able to both contribute to the child’s needs in a way that the child has what they need, which can even include opportunities for sports, classes, and more.
When you stay focused on the child being the most important part of it, you can maintain proper boundaries with the co-parent. It doesn’t mean it’ll always be easy but maintaining focus, not engaging in argumentative behavior, and documenting will help you tremendously along your journey. Good luck!
